Inappropriate (Rewritten)

 

The humor, the darkness

The stab in the back

The laughter so reckless

So daunting, so black

 

Once thoughts are in motion

I loose all reserve

And your unremitted devotion

Remains underserved

 

Persecution unfound’

Through fear, facts and fiction

Chastisement unbound

It’s unjust this infliction

 

Done have you nothing

My dearest friend

Yet time and again

You’ve swallowed this pill in the end

 

It’s so hard to change

I’ve often complained

These pathways of mine

Are too deeply ingrained

 

But I’m sorry my friend

It leaves no excuse

I’ve behaved rather badly

And I’ve seen this truth

 

Please forgive me 

 

 

Wishing Well

 

Hoping on the long lost past

Is like shattering the shadows cast

Praying gestures at the tide

Will stem the waters coming rise

 

Rage nor anger change the fact

Regrets and tears can’t bring it back

Ripples in the poisoned water

Only hint at danger’s daughter

Glare into the wishing well

Watched as gold and silver fell

Distorting visions staring back

Only lies and demons black

Seeking answers from the deep

Weeping blood from wounds to deep

Mingled in that retched pool

Eternally I fight this duel

 

How tightly now I hold the rope

Lest I drop my pail of hope

All along I draw the water

Listening to it’s tainted laughter

Glare into the wishing well

Watched as gold and silver fell

Distorting visions staring back

Only lies and demons black

Drop the rope the answer’s clearly

Written where I will not see

For I hold on far to dearly

To a past that poisons me

 

Dripping, dripping, will not see

There is a future calling me

For I chase my shadow’s asking price       

An pray my gestures will suffice

 

 

 

The Book of Love and Venom

 

I felt the sting of love again

Relentless drive of fear and pain

Who is next to twist the blade?

Fuel this fire I have made

 

Seeking truth in fury found

Straining love’s intrinsic bounds

Another passage full of sorrow

Live this lie again tomorrow

 

I can see the viper strike

Feel the venom in its words

Hear its toxic promises

Poison, just like you and me

 

Deadly bite spreads quickly now

Sickness courses through my veins

This potion love made just for me

Therein lies it’s prophesy

Chorus 1

It seems you ripped my life from me

Blind fury is consuming me

I’ll let my vengeful spirits dance

Redemption’s only for the weary

 

What was the promise you made me

“‘Till death parts us”, as I recall

“For better or for worse”, you said

I should be standing on your grave

Bitter taste of jealousy

Destruction in contained disease

Acid flavor of my rage

Romance turns a deadly page

 

The book of love is soaked in blood

From its victims one by one

“Come here”, it says, “just one more drop

Soon your chapter will be done”

 

Chaos is love’s symphony

Its music sways misleadingly

“Take my hand let’s dance some more

I’ll dash your hope onto my shore”

 

When this voyage’s course is run

And I know love can’t be won

Cold is all that’s left behind

Shattered vessel sailing blind

Chorus 2

Embers die and anger fades

Like memories of your breath in mine

An inner voice screams silently

I’ve got to let her go

 

Take my hand from my own throat

And let you on your way

It’s where you went so long ago

It’s me that’s free today

I know this snake has struck you too

Didn’t want what it did to you

Let’s squeeze the venom from our sorrow

Walk another mile tomorrow

 

A breath of chance recovery

In love and life’s discovery

Another painful lesson learned

But the book of love and venom burns…

 

 

Shady Kind of Faith

I can’t relate To the church bells on Sunday Tea time with cookies Flowers in springtime Holding hands in the sunset Telling the world I’m fine   I’ve never found comfort By singing a song Watching the fireflies Dance all night long Catching the breeze By a warm sunlit stream in the forest   Got a shady kind of faith Distant sense of right and wrong Learned love from desperation Learned letting go by holding on Found hope and faith in twilight Washing the past from sinful hands   Got a shady kind of faith It’s a bit dirty but its mine   Got a shady kind of faith It’s got stains I recognize   Got a shady kind of faith It’s the only one I know

Lost and alone Different and distant Unwholesome, instinctive Lustful and liable Sinful and soulful Its passion on a different scale   Got a shady kind of faith A darker kind of love Stained sense of purity Vision through a dirty window Overlooking a polluted plain Optimistic from a gut level perspective   Got a shady kind of faith In mankind’s survival   Got a shady kind of faith In good natured horizons   Got a shady kind of faith That I don’t have the answer   Got a shady kind of faith That I don’t have to know… anymore

The Chalice and the Blood

 

The chalice sits Its contents full The blood of Christ Is black within It speaks to me Of forgiven sin From deep inside The fortress doors And heavy stone Glass as stained As the life it hides From the house of God It calls to me Says take my terms And be like me Heed these words I preach to thee Now on your knees It’s pray or die And never forget Its time to tithe Accept my love Conditionally Drink from my cup Given for thee Confirmed by our Conformity

The body lies In the roadside dust Blood pooled and dried Blackened or rust It speaks to me Of forgiven sin Of torture and demise Undeserved Unmerciful An act stained With a preachers lies From a house of God The message came This one is different That one in not the same Heed these words I preach to thee Heathens and pagans The devils lot Inhuman in His eyes Purify and sanctify Accept my love Conditionally Drink form my cup Given for thee Burn all those not blessed By our conformity

 

Poor Poor Me

 

I know others have it

Much harder in life

Than me

 

Yet recently that realization

Hasn’t helped me overcome

My own troubled thoughts

 

Experience had proven

Time and time again

That fear is always at the root

 

That faith and action

Create the change I need

To overcome

 

But still I sit

Unchanged and uneasy

Demoralized

 

As of yet unwilling

To take the initiative

That might change my day

 

Why must I always wait

Until enough pain has accumulated

And all other options run out

 

Hoping against all odds

That someone or something

Will clear this difficult path on my behalf

 

Hoping I can avoid the work

The discomfort, the unease

That will cure my mental disease

 

Still I know others have it

Much harder in life

Than poor old me

 

 

Blood and Whiskey

(An Alcoholic’s Lullaby)

 

Just a swirling drop or two

Crimson color in the liquor’s hue

Salty flavor in its bitter bite

This combination tasted right

 

Just like the bar stool I sit on

Drinking shots of borrowed time

Just like the life I let flow away

Drip, drip… forget about another day

 

Blood and whiskey

Mix together just like

Pain and consequence

Like tears and sacrifice

 

Such a wondrous golden amber

I love and hate you all at once

Promising a tender warm embrace

I run to and from you every day

 

Well remembered inner glow

Revealing mysteries I know

But the price I paid for you is blood

And you want every drop I have

 

Blood and whiskey

Intoxicating in its innocence

Might seem immortal in a sense

Laden with its deadly consequence

 

Blood and whiskey

Mix together just like

Pain and consequence

Like tears and sacrifice

 

Blood and whiskey

Mix together every time

Drinkin’ blood and whiskey

Always suited me just fine

 

 

Spitting Out the Shards

 

My life’s derived from suicide An incantation over a cordial cup My maxim is this ounce of liquor Just as clearly as it lies And the only prayer that I know Is the soldier’s as he dies   I drank this alcoholic promise And vomited its bloody truth I smashed the glass And chewed the shards Swallowed them so satisfied Fore the only truth I know Was the taste of blood and alcohol   Vodka and a death wish Left me spitting out the shards Of life and love and liberty So I crawled into another flask Always hoping this one held a clue   And so I learned of consequence It left me spitting out the shards Yet on and on booze danced with me And on an on it lied All the while I hurt the ones I loved most on this earth I lost my job I lost my wife I lost my dignity Last of all myself   A final covenant it offered me As I was spitting out the shards Peace exchanged for mystery It would take away the guilt and shame At a price I’d like to pay And quite relieved So effortlessly I traded it all in The final, fragile vestige Of my own will to live   Lights and panic Voices that I recognized Distant, desperate A harsh slap in the face “What do you want? Just let me sleep!” This can’t be happening? Again? Like the twenty times before? Pin prick…  and another A mask upon my face Racing and bewildered And all that I could think about Was another taste Just one more and it will finally be ok And I’ll never have to worry about Spitting out these shards

I watched shattered lives Become my own In the fire of The devil’s eyes Reflecting from the monitors That beeped with heartfelt irony With Velcro straps drawn tight I was restrained to be a witness To this violent, shaking exorcism Of my friend and lover My bittersweet and blood lusty My demon alcohol’s retreat   In darkness I saw your colors Your shapes and true outlines Your preludes and gasping end Withdrawing before my eyes With sweat and tears and screaming And the vomit and the blood I wondered who’d survive The hours and the days And the horrors that jumped suddenly From the many corners of my eye   Can you hear the whispers What was it that they said Can’t you hear them moaning What’s keeping them at bay There’s something crawling in my water glass A casual specter of the mind I guess it shouldn’t bother me It’s just the poison left behind Please bring me an unshattered glass To ease my troubled thoughts Please…   I’m so thirsty   ‘Till suddenly I witnessed Satan’s flames start flickering I think I glimpsed a bit of hope Before they finally died Bruised and feverish I attended a last supper In honor of my selfish pride Watched my mother’s vigil My father’s hopeless sway Gazed at nurses pumping blood And medicines to ease my way Slowly as the weeks went by The world came into focus So foreign and so new   Now I have a choice to make On each and every day And quite a while has come and gone Since that fateful day Amen

 

 

Inner Peace

 

Illusive at best

Fleeting if possible

Sought for a lifetime

Experienced briefly

When least expected

 

Wispy and intangible

In complete conflict

With my restless nature

My constant worries

And self-persecution

 

Funny thing is

My perceived scourge

Is woven from the same

Imaginary, ethereal

Bolt of fabric

As is this abstract

Peace I seek

 

The inner eye claims

Neither is real

Not harmony

Not damnation

Outside of the confines

Of my own conscience

 

So I am left to choose

As best I can

My own daily judgment

Or self-granted reprieve

To wake with a burden

Or sleep nights with ease

 

 

Judgment Day

 

At 2PM tomorrow I will have to stand And be judged Scrutinized Weighed Measured Tested Possibly intimidated I will have no choice But to try to hide my Fear Anxiety Low self-esteem My ineptitude and Past failures both Real or perceived And portray Confidence The picture of competence The portrait of excellence I must become The chosen one Despite the fact That I am typically Unable to see any Favorable qualities In me

Clumsy Maladroit Oafish And ungainly Is the vision that stares Straight back from my mirror   My marketing ploy Must overcome My self-image And bring victory In spite of my Self-inflicted Preconceived And prophesized Expectation of defeat   So on the ‘morrow I vow I shall stand tall Muster my strength And all my bravado Touting my strengths My skills My steadfastness of character All the while praying to God Asking for a miracle   … and a new job