December 2, 2004

  • Inappropriate (Rewritten)


     


    The humor, the darkness


    The stab in the back


    The laughter so reckless


    So daunting, so black


     


    Once thoughts are in motion


    I loose all reserve


    And your unremitted devotion


    Remains underserved


     


    Persecution unfound’


    Through fear, facts and fiction


    Chastisement unbound


    It’s unjust this infliction


     


    Done have you nothing


    My dearest friend


    Yet time and again


    You’ve swallowed this pill in the end


     


    It’s so hard to change


    I’ve often complained


    These pathways of mine


    Are too deeply ingrained


     


    But I’m sorry my friend


    It leaves no excuse


    I’ve behaved rather badly


    And I’ve seen this truth


     


    Please forgive me 


     


     

November 24, 2004

  • Wishing Well


     


    Hoping on the long lost past


    Is like shattering the shadows cast


    Praying gestures at the tide


    Will stem the waters coming rise


     


    Rage nor anger change the fact


    Regrets and tears can’t bring it back


    Ripples in the poisoned water


    Only hint at danger’s daughter




    Glare into the wishing well


    Watched as gold and silver fell


    Distorting visions staring back


    Only lies and demons black



    Seeking answers from the deep


    Weeping blood from wounds to deep


    Mingled in that retched pool


    Eternally I fight this duel


     


    How tightly now I hold the rope


    Lest I drop my pail of hope


    All along I draw the water


    Listening to it’s tainted laughter




    Glare into the wishing well



    Watched as gold and silver fell


    Distorting visions staring back


    Only lies and demons black



    Drop the rope the answer’s clearly


    Written where I will not see


    For I hold on far to dearly


    To a past that poisons me


     


    Dripping, dripping, will not see


    There is a future calling me


    For I chase my shadow’s asking price       


    An pray my gestures will suffice


     


     


     

November 22, 2004

  • The Book of Love and Venom


     


    I felt the sting of love again


    Relentless drive of fear and pain


    Who is next to twist the blade?


    Fuel this fire I have made


     


    Seeking truth in fury found


    Straining love’s intrinsic bounds


    Another passage full of sorrow


    Live this lie again tomorrow


     


    I can see the viper strike


    Feel the venom in its words


    Hear its toxic promises


    Poison, just like you and me


     


    Deadly bite spreads quickly now


    Sickness courses through my veins


    This potion love made just for me


    Therein lies it’s prophesy




    Chorus 1


    It seems you ripped my life from me


    Blind fury is consuming me


    I’ll let my vengeful spirits dance


    Redemption’s only for the weary


     


    What was the promise you made me


    “‘Till death parts us”, as I recall


    “For better or for worse”, you said


    I should be standing on your grave



    Bitter taste of jealousy


    Destruction in contained disease


    Acid flavor of my rage


    Romance turns a deadly page


     


    The book of love is soaked in blood


    From its victims one by one


    “Come here”, it says, “just one more drop


    Soon your chapter will be done”


     


    Chaos is love’s symphony


    Its music sways misleadingly


    “Take my hand let’s dance some more


    I’ll dash your hope onto my shore”


     




    When this voyage’s course is run


    And I know love can’t be won


    Cold is all that’s left behind


    Shattered vessel sailing blind




    Chorus 2


    Embers die and anger fades


    Like memories of your breath in mine


    An inner voice screams silently


    I’ve got to let her go


     


    Take my hand from my own throat


    And let you on your way


    It’s where you went so long ago


    It’s me that’s free today



    I know this snake has struck you too


    Didn’t want what it did to you


    Let’s squeeze the venom from our sorrow


    Walk another mile tomorrow


     


    A breath of chance recovery


    In love and life’s discovery


    Another painful lesson learned


    But the book of love and venom burns…


     


     

November 4, 2004

  • Shady Kind of Faith








    I can’t relate


    To the church bells on Sunday


    Tea time with cookies


    Flowers in springtime


    Holding hands in the sunset


    Telling the world I’m fine


     


    I’ve never found comfort


    By singing a song


    Watching the fireflies


    Dance all night long


    Catching the breeze


    By a warm sunlit stream in the forest


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    Distant sense of right and wrong


    Learned love from desperation


    Learned letting go by holding on


    Found hope and faith in twilight


    Washing the past from sinful hands


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    It’s a bit dirty but its mine


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    It’s got stains I recognize


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    It’s the only one I know


    Lost and alone


    Different and distant


    Unwholesome, instinctive


    Lustful and liable


    Sinful and soulful


    Its passion on a different scale


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    A darker kind of love


    Stained sense of purity


    Vision through a dirty window


    Overlooking a polluted plain


    Optimistic from a gut level perspective


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    In mankind’s survival


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    In good natured horizons


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    That I don’t have the answer


     


    Got a shady kind of faith


    That I don’t have to know… anymore


     


  • The Chalice and the Blood


     








    The chalice sits


    Its contents full


    The blood of Christ


    Is black within


    It speaks to me


    Of forgiven sin


    From deep inside


    The fortress doors


    And heavy stone


    Glass as stained


    As the life it hides


    From the house of God


    It calls to me


    Says take my terms


    And be like me


    Heed these words


    I preach to thee


    Now on your knees


    It’s pray or die


    And never forget


    Its time to tithe


    Accept my love


    Conditionally


    Drink from my cup


    Given for thee


    Confirmed by our


    Conformity


    The body lies


    In the roadside dust


    Blood pooled and dried


    Blackened or rust


    It speaks to me


    Of forgiven sin


    Of torture and demise


    Undeserved


    Unmerciful


    An act stained


    With a preachers lies


    From a house of God


    The message came


    This one is different


    That one in not the same


    Heed these words


    I preach to thee


    Heathens and pagans


    The devils lot


    Inhuman in His eyes


    Purify and sanctify


    Accept my love


    Conditionally


    Drink form my cup


    Given for thee


    Burn all those not blessed


    By our conformity


     

November 3, 2004

  • Poor Poor Me


     


    I know others have it


    Much harder in life


    Than me


     


    Yet recently that realization


    Hasn’t helped me overcome


    My own troubled thoughts


     


    Experience had proven


    Time and time again


    That fear is always at the root


     


    That faith and action


    Create the change I need


    To overcome


     


    But still I sit


    Unchanged and uneasy


    Demoralized


     


    As of yet unwilling


    To take the initiative


    That might change my day


     


    Why must I always wait


    Until enough pain has accumulated


    And all other options run out


     


    Hoping against all odds


    That someone or something


    Will clear this difficult path on my behalf


     


    Hoping I can avoid the work


    The discomfort, the unease


    That will cure my mental disease


     


    Still I know others have it


    Much harder in life


    Than poor old me


     


     

October 27, 2004

  • Blood and Whiskey


    (An Alcoholic’s Lullaby)


     


    Just a swirling drop or two


    Crimson color in the liquor’s hue


    Salty flavor in its bitter bite


    This combination tasted right


     


    Just like the bar stool I sit on


    Drinking shots of borrowed time


    Just like the life I let flow away


    Drip, drip… forget about another day


     



    Blood and whiskey


    Mix together just like


    Pain and consequence


    Like tears and sacrifice


     


    Such a wondrous golden amber


    I love and hate you all at once


    Promising a tender warm embrace


    I run to and from you every day


     


    Well remembered inner glow


    Revealing mysteries I know


    But the price I paid for you is blood


    And you want every drop I have


     



    Blood and whiskey


    Intoxicating in its innocence


    Might seem immortal in a sense


    Laden with its deadly consequence


     


    Blood and whiskey


    Mix together just like


    Pain and consequence


    Like tears and sacrifice


     


    Blood and whiskey


    Mix together every time


    Drinkin’ blood and whiskey


    Always suited me just fine


     


     

October 23, 2004



  • Spitting Out the Shards


     








    My life’s derived from suicide


    An incantation over a cordial cup


    My maxim is this ounce of liquor


    Just as clearly as it lies


    And the only prayer that I know


    Is the soldier’s as he dies


     


    I drank this alcoholic promise


    And vomited its bloody truth


    I smashed the glass


    And chewed the shards


    Swallowed them so satisfied


    Fore the only truth I know


    Was the taste of blood and alcohol


     


    Vodka and a death wish


    Left me spitting out the shards


    Of life and love and liberty


    So I crawled into another flask


    Always hoping this one held a clue


     


    And so I learned of consequence


    It left me spitting out the shards


    Yet on and on booze danced with me


    And on an on it lied


    All the while


    I hurt the ones


    I loved most on this earth


    I lost my job


    I lost my wife


    I lost my dignity


    Last of all myself


     


    A final covenant it offered me


    As I was spitting out the shards


    Peace exchanged for mystery


    It would take away the guilt and shame


    At a price I’d like to pay


    And quite relieved


    So effortlessly


    I traded it all in


    The final, fragile vestige


    Of my own will to live


     


    Lights and panic


    Voices that I recognized


    Distant, desperate



    A harsh slap in the face


    “What do you want?


    Just let me sleep!”


    This can’t be happening?


    Again?


    Like the twenty times before?


    Pin prick…  and another


    A mask upon my face


    Racing and bewildered


    And all that I could think about


    Was another taste


    Just one more and it will finally be ok


    And I’ll never have to worry about


    Spitting out these shards


    I watched shattered lives


    Become my own


    In the fire of


    The devil’s eyes


    Reflecting from the monitors


    That beeped with heartfelt irony


    With Velcro straps drawn tight


    I was restrained to be a witness


    To this violent, shaking exorcism


    Of my friend and lover


    My bittersweet and blood lusty


    My demon alcohol’s retreat


     


    In darkness I saw your colors


    Your shapes and true outlines


    Your preludes and gasping end


    Withdrawing before my eyes


    With sweat and tears and screaming


    And the vomit and the blood


    I wondered who’d survive


    The hours and the days


    And the horrors that jumped suddenly


    From the many corners of my eye


     


    Can you hear the whispers


    What was it that they said


    Can’t you hear them moaning


    What’s keeping them at bay


    There’s something crawling in my water glass


    A casual specter of the mind


    I guess it shouldn’t bother me


    It’s just the poison left behind


    Please bring me an unshattered glass


    To ease my troubled thoughts


    Please…  


    I’m so thirsty


     


    ‘Till suddenly I witnessed


    Satan’s flames start flickering


    I think I glimpsed a bit of hope


    Before they finally died


    Bruised and feverish


    I attended a last supper


    In honor of my selfish pride


    Watched my mother’s vigil


    My father’s hopeless sway


    Gazed at nurses pumping blood


    And medicines to ease my way


    Slowly as the weeks went by


    The world came into focus


    So foreign and so new


     


    Now I have a choice to make


    On each and every day


    And quite a while has come and gone


    Since that fateful day


    Amen


     


     


     



October 19, 2004

  • Inner Peace

     


    Illusive at best


    Fleeting if possible


    Sought for a lifetime


    Experienced briefly


    When least expected


     


    Wispy and intangible


    In complete conflict


    With my restless nature


    My constant worries


    And self-persecution


     


    Funny thing is


    My perceived scourge


    Is woven from the same


    Imaginary, ethereal


    Bolt of fabric


    As is this abstract


    Peace I seek


     


    The inner eye claims


    Neither is real


    Not harmony


    Not damnation


    Outside of the confines


    Of my own conscience


     


    So I am left to choose


    As best I can


    My own daily judgment


    Or self-granted reprieve


    To wake with a burden


    Or sleep nights with ease


     


     

October 11, 2004


  • Judgment Day


     








    At 2PM tomorrow


    I will have to stand


    And be judged


    Scrutinized


    Weighed


    Measured


    Tested


    Possibly intimidated


    I will have no choice


    But to try to hide my


    Fear


    Anxiety


    Low self-esteem


    My ineptitude and


    Past failures both


    Real or perceived


    And portray


    Confidence


    The picture of competence


    The portrait of excellence


    I must become


    The chosen one


    Despite the fact


    That I am typically


    Unable to see any


    Favorable qualities


    In me


     


     


     


    Clumsy


    Maladroit


    Oafish


    And ungainly


    Is the vision that stares


    Straight back from my mirror


     


    My marketing ploy


    Must overcome


    My self-image


    And bring victory


    In spite of my


    Self-inflicted


    Preconceived


    And prophesized


    Expectation of defeat


     


    So on the ‘morrow I vow


    I shall stand tall


    Muster my strength


    And all my bravado


    Touting my strengths


    My skills


    My steadfastness of character


    All the while praying to God


    Asking for a miracle


     


    … and a new job