October 23, 2004

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  Spitting Out the Shards

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
  

  My life’s derived from suicide An incantation over a cordial cup My maxim is this ounce of liquor Just as clearly as it lies And the only prayer that I know Is the soldier’s as he dies   I drank this alcoholic promise And vomited its bloody truth I smashed the glass And chewed the shards Swallowed them so satisfied Fore the only truth I know Was the taste of blood and alcohol   Vodka and a death wish Left me spitting out the shards Of life and love and liberty So I crawled into another flask Always hoping this one held a clue   And so I learned of consequence It left me spitting out the shards Yet on and on booze danced with me And on an on it lied All the while I hurt the ones I loved most on this earth I lost my job I lost my wife I lost my dignity Last of all myself   A final covenant it offered me As I was spitting out the shards Peace exchanged for mystery It would take away the guilt and shame At a price I’d like to pay And quite relieved So effortlessly I traded it all in The final, fragile vestige Of my own will to live   Lights and panic Voices that I recognized Distant, desperate A harsh slap in the face “What do you want? Just let me sleep!” This can’t be happening? Again? Like the twenty times before? Pin prick…  and another A mask upon my face Racing and bewildered And all that I could think about Was another taste Just one more and it will finally be ok And I’ll never have to worry about Spitting out these shards

  I watched shattered lives Become my own In the fire of The devil’s eyes Reflecting from the monitors That beeped with heartfelt irony With Velcro straps drawn tight I was restrained to be a witness To this violent, shaking exorcism Of my friend and lover My bittersweet and blood lusty My demon alcohol’s retreat   In darkness I saw your colors Your shapes and true outlines Your preludes and gasping end Withdrawing before my eyes With sweat and tears and screaming And the vomit and the blood I wondered who’d survive The hours and the days And the horrors that jumped suddenly From the many corners of my eye   Can you hear the whispers What was it that they said Can’t you hear them moaning What’s keeping them at bay There’s something crawling in my water glass A casual specter of the mind I guess it shouldn’t bother me It’s just the poison left behind Please bring me an unshattered glass To ease my troubled thoughts Please…   I’m so thirsty   ‘Till suddenly I witnessed Satan’s flames start flickering I think I glimpsed a bit of hope Before they finally died Bruised and feverish I attended a last supper In honor of my selfish pride Watched my mother’s vigil My father’s hopeless sway Gazed at nurses pumping blood And medicines to ease my way Slowly as the weeks went by The world came into focus So foreign and so new   Now I have a choice to make On each and every day And quite a while has come and gone Since that fateful day Amen

  
  

   

  
  

   

  
  

  
  

  • 5:25 am
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